So Saturday, May 21 is Judgment Day according to Harold Camping. Camping has long been the voice of Family Radio, a station based in Oakland, California. Camping who missed a similar prediction in 1994 has gone so far to “guarantee” this will happen. As the date gets closer, the panic has spread. Billboards are being put up and people are walking with signs on the streets. There are even Craigslist ads seeking to make out on the pending fire sale. With that in mind the following is what HR professionals should seek to accomplish tomorrow, Friday, May 20th, 2011; The Ultimate Friday!
Terminate All Problem Employees By “Eliminating Their Positions” While Simultaneously Interviewing Their Replacements.
- Avoid the difficult talk with problem employees and don’t confront performance problems as the reason for termination. There will be no investigation by the ex-employees’ attorneys into the “real reasons” for termination.
Avoid Overtime By Putting Everyone On A Salary And Calling Them Managers.
- This is clearly the time to hold all by the hand, and treat everyone as equals; is it not?
Suspend Or Terminate Any Employee Shortly After Dubious Claims of Sexual Harassment.
- Retaliate don’t Investigate. In fact, quickly re-write the policy to read “Not only do we tolerate sexual harassment but we ask that you not report any incidents of sexual harassment. Should you report incidents of sexual harassment to us, we shall immediately initiate a smear campaign against you.”
Give “Excellent” Performance Reviews To Marginal Employees.
- Allow the marginal worker to build a record of “excellent” performance quickly as to ensure appropriate judgment subsequent our world’s “imminent and wrongful termination.”
Conduct All Sensitive Personnel Discussions By E-mail.
- E-mail discussions are often quick, frank, open and unfiltered. E-mail is never truly deleted and can be recovered. What better way to leave a lasting impression and documentation of employee performance.
Quickly Challenge All Terminated Workers On Their Claims for Unemployment Benefits.
- Forget “for cause” & go straight to “misconduct’ including theft, damage to company property, drinking on the job, fighting with co-employees, and other serious violations.”
Allow Flex Schedules Just Because Employees Prefer Four 10-Hour Days.
- Who cares about overtime claims and penalties such as a “three year reach back” now?
Hold All Employees’ Final Paycheck Until They Return Company Keys And Cell Phone.
- Clearly these employees are not giving 72 hours’ notice, and nor shall they need to receive their paycheck within 72 hours.
Avoid Employment Laws Altogether By Making Everyone An Independent Contractor.
- Simply treat everyone as an independent contractor and disregard all tax, workers’ compensation implications and potential wage and benefit liabilities.
Publish The Company’s Succession Plan Everywhere.
- Pull back the curtain, open the kimono, and shout at the top of your lungs “it is what it is, it is what it is.” Oz has spoken and there are no “High Potentials”, only “Two Promotables”,”Four Experienced Professionals”, and rest of you are “Manage-Outs.”